Jultember: who broke who first...

i am having one of those days where i want someone to come to my home and make me cupcakes, then hand a plate full of them to me along with a very large cup of tea... then leave instantly without ever saying a word. you know... one of those days.

i have been failing miserably at finishing up a few knitted items i have on the go at present, but i want to share a recently completed thing. ta da!!!

the pattern is Saco Stripes by Pam Allen, and it was been the bane of my existence for a full year... or more. i was working on this top back when i was cyber-stalking newborn lambs last Spring—as in, more than a year ago. i finished it shortly thereafter—as in, i followed all of the designer's instructions (while only making a few minor alterations of my own). however, it never quite managed to seem done, so it remained at ninety-nine percent in my Ravelry projects for the next year... or more.

then something magical happened one day this Summer while we were playing a bit of Codenames: Duet. [random aside: i highly recommend that as a board game for two, if you are into that sort of thing. it is especially entertaining when being played with someone who you know far too well, because you get the added challenge of trying to think like they do when stringing together wholly unrelated things... but that is not the point of this thing.]

so, there we were playing our game, as you do. and i was sitting there with my ninety-nine-percent-done top on my lap, holding it up and turning it this way and that, while contemplating what i could do to salvage the thing.

him: did you block it?
me: not really. i want this to be a light summer top that i can wear and toss in the washing machine without worrying about blocking, but it is just going to keep curling along the edges, and that is going to annoy me exponentially.
him: it doesn't really take much for that to happen.

then i gave him the look that lets him know he is asking to be pinched.

him: maybe add an i-cord around the edge?
me: maybe... but i don't know.

then i took my turn at the game and returned a short while later to staring at the pile of knitted fabric on my lap.

me: actually, i am afraid that the fabric would just curl up along the i-cord.
him: yeh, i was just thinking the same thing. maybe some garter stitch?
me: meh. i'm not a fan of garter stitched edges.
him: then just do a few rows of ribbing. that will stop the rolling up.
me: yeh. i think that is the only real option. either that or i learn to love the roll.

then i paused for a moment and took a serious look at him, sitting there next to me on my favorite sofa, his eyes cast upward in a contemplative fashion as it was his turn to give the next clue in the game.

that is when it dawned on me...

there he was, casually tossing out one suggestion after another in an effort to cure my crafting dilemma... and—worst of all—he actually understood what all of those terms meant!

me: i feel like i owe you an apology.
him: why?
me: did you hear yourself a minute ago?
him: yeh. i was just thinking how crazy it is that i know what all of that means.
me: i think i broke you
him: yep. i think so too.

then we put aside our game, and watched the latest movie from that cult favorite Writer/Actor/Producer/Caterer known to the world of bad-movie lovers as Neil Breen. i spoke previously about him (and the completely bonkers dream i experienced after watching one of his films). well, after much anticipation, we were finally able to get our hands on a copy of his latest... uhm... work of art...?

this one is called Twisted Pair (2018). there are no words to describe how much he manages to outdo himself in the production of this particular one. forget the usual "so bad... it's good" label. this one was "so bad... i wanted to throw my computer out the window when i was done watching the thing". i am not going to dwell on the specifics of the movie (as that is not the point of this thing), but i would just like to make a prediction: the person whose legs we see during the film (but we never see their face), is in fact a third brother. i expect that to be the big plot-twist when he releases the sequel... because he is insane enough to think this steaming pile of garbage needs to be revisited.

we were somewhere in the middle of discussing said likelihood, when i had the second grand revelation of the evening.

if you go back a few years or more, you would arrive at the point where i would frequently walk past the studio door, then screech to a cartoon-like halt when i get a glimpse of whatever nonsense he was watching.

it was always the same thing.

me: uhm... what are you watching?

then he would clear his throat, which i knew from experience meant that he is about to put on his "announcer voice", which he uses when telling me the name of the most ridiculous movies. something like...

him: it's called... ahem... [super-deep voice]... Vampire Vixens from Ven.... hey!!! where'd you go?

because i would usually start walking away by the time he got to the second word of the title.

fast-forward to the present, and i welcome a dose of the absurd. we spent last October watching a ridiculous movie-a-day, and it was fabulous. i spend more time these days watching reviews of "so bad it's good" movies on the You Tubes than anything else.

and there i was in that moment, where we followed up discussing how to salvage my knitted garment by watching a Neil Breen film, and all i could do was shake my head and wonder...

who broke who first???
_________________________________

[the rest of this post is meant to serve as project notes for the top.]

as noted above, i finished the top at the end of last Spring, and i (frankly) was not crazy about the thing. all of that rolling fabric at the edges was driving me insane, and i was not going to commit to blocking what was supposed to be a quick wash-and-wear garment every time i wear the thing.

for the non-knitters reading this: this top is made of the same basic knit fabric as a t-shirt (just with much thicker yarn). if you ever cut into a t-shirt, it instantly rolls up along that raw edge. the hems and collar are the only thing that stop that roll from happening. this top of mine lacked any such borders, so it was behaving like cut t-shirt fabric on every edge. you could see how that would drive a person crazy.

after rejecting several possible fixes (see above for his contribution in said process), i decided to go with a very narrow trim of two rows of ribbing followed by two rows of stockinette stitch (plus the pick-up and bind-off rows). the ribbing was just enough to stabilize the fabric, while those two rows of stockinette made for an attractive tiny rolled edge. this bit of re-finishing was applied to all the edges of the top.

you can see the difference it makes in this one image. the armhole on right side of the photo has been re-finished while the one on the left has not. likewise, the back section of the hem was re-finished, but the front was not (neither was the collar edge at this point).

a closer look at the shoulder straps (?) shows the difference between the two armholes.

but the most dramatic difference is at the hem. the front and the back of this top were the same length before i added that trim to the back.

see? same length.

i went with a split-hem with four rows of ribbing at the front edge and six rows of ribbing at the back (plus the aforementioned two rows of stockinette before the bind-off), so those two trims are more substantial than on the collar and armholes.

right off the needle, you can already  see the effect that bit of re-finishing had on those edges.

the top was given a soak previously, so i just gave it a blast of steam from the iron this time around to relax those new edges.

i love how neat that looks at the underarm.

not bad, eh?

one-hundred percent done!!!

please don't hurt me...

[i am attempting a week of daily posts in an effort to distract myself from being angry, frustrated, and disappointed... but mostly angry... about all sorts of stuff. wish me luck.]

we have a multi-part planting project in the works (some of which i will likely talk about later in the week... if i make it that far). unfortunately, we needed some parts that we did not already have on hand, so we started Sunday morning by driving to the other side of town to visit a new-to-us garden center. it was HUGE! we ended up making a hasty exit before we blew our budget for the next six months on gardeny (gardenish?) things. for example, we made the horrible mistake of checking out their bonsai section, so there might be some bonsai adventures in the not-too-distant future. the place is dangerous.

so, we paid for our stuff, then went racing to the car to get off the premises while we still could, assuming that all of the dangers would evaporate once we got back on the road. HUGE mistake!

we had barely turned the corner, when noticed a new-to-us Asian grocery store on the opposite side of the main street. it was HUGE. and they have an impressive assortment of... everything... including a seafood section with tanks full of swimming things all begging to become our next meal.

so, in we went, and home we came with this guy and a few of his friends.

i called this one Paco, because why not.

this is where things got interesting.

i should point out that we also purchased a new wok, because we had decided to give them a quick toss in the wok with some herb-y bits then splash on some sauce-y things and serve it with a bit of rice. naturally, he decided that this required a new wok.

me: we already have a wok.
him: but they have a whole aisle of woks, and they are all much nicer than ours.

so he ran off to select a wok, while i was left to bear the guilt of deciding which crabs would die for our culinary amusement.

fast-forward to a short while later, and we were standing in our kitchen, looking at the crabs splashing around in a container of cold water. this is when it suddenly dawned on us that someone would have to kill the things.

him: that is all you. i have never killed a crab in my life, and i would not know where to begin. 

so, i just stood there, staring at little Paco (who had already been separated from his friends), and there was only one thought running through my head.  

me: (said silently while staring at Paco) please don't hurt me. 

then i picked him up, wrapped him a kitchen towel—in case he had any thoughts of vengeance—and before long i had four crabs cleaned and quartered, with their claws removed and given a light crack to allow for maximum flavor penetration.

the new wok was hot and ready to go. in went a generous amount of chopped garlic, ginger, and green onions. that was followed by a sprinkling of five-spice powder and a healthy shake of the smoked paprika that manages to make its way into most things we eat around here. then came the crab pieces. i sauced it all with almost everything i could find. there was a fish sauce, light soy sauce, mirin, two types of Chinese cooking wine, Korean chili paste, and a healthy drizzle of sesame oil. i blanched some greens before beginning the crab dish, so i tossed them back into the wok at this point to warm them up again and get them coated in that everything sauce.

we dumped the whole lot into an old baking dish, and we served it along with a bit of plain rice.

it was so good! he is usually impatient when it comes to picking tiny bits of crab meat from their seemingly endless network of shells, but this dish was so tasty, that he gave it his very best effort. meanwhile, i was in a state of bliss through the whole thing.

we enjoyed our meal while watching Barbarella. this was a first time viewing for both of us, and it was the latest installment in the rather odd desire i have had of late to watch movies—most of them bad ones—that existed before my lifetime.

we ate. we laughed. we ate some more.

a good time was had by all... except maybe  Paco and his friends.

day 6: dream a little breen ...

i woke up this morning from a spectacularly crazy dream. i was part of some sort of movie or television show, and instead of being given anything resembling directions... or a script... we were each handed a roll of gold coins and sent off on some wild goose chase. along the way, we blew up a banker (but it was okay, because he was corrupt), shot an accountant (again, it was okay because he was also corrupt), and set fire to a businessman who was in the midst of bragging about how much money he makes by bribing corrupt politicians and lying about everything. some other hijinks ensued, and i eventually found myself standing in the middle of a football field, with several media cameras in my face, screaming something to the effect of "i will not be intimidated by the corrupt politicians who are cheating and lying to the public"... when i finally awoke.

me: what the heck was that?

now, before you start thinking that i should be put on some sort of psych watch, or that i should cut out eating spicy foods before bedtime, it should be noted that we spent last night watching a Neil Breen film, and i fully expected said experience to taint my dreams.

me: watch i'm gonna have some sort of crazy dream about hacking into government computers and driving around the desert killing corrupt politicians and businessmen. 
him:  probably. 

for the uninitiated, Neil Breen is a Las Vegas architect/real-estate-agent turned actor, director, writer, producer, editor, location scout, set designer, makeup artist, and caterer of a series of self-funded feature-length films. it should be noted that i use the word "films" only in the sense that a video record remains. Hollywood has nothing to fear from this film-making lunatic genius.

i am not usually a fan of this type of nonsense, but my favorite animator has probably seen every B-movie ever made. his fondness for bad horror movies is the subject of a running joke around our home.

me: [pausing at the studio door to find him working on one monitor while some strange video is playing on the other one] what in the world are you watching?
him: it's called [clears his throat to put on his special 'bad movie title' voice] Blood Suckers From Outer Sp... [by which point i am already walking away].

it was inevitable that he would draw me into watching such things. specifically, i am enjoying the ones that fall into the "so bad it's good" category, but i draw the line at straight-up "horror and gore". he has already seen most of the "classics" in the "so bad..." category—movies like Birdemic, Samurai Cop, and The Room—but the Breen body of work was new to us both.

Breen has released four films, to date, with a fifth due out next year, and we watched them in the order in which they were released (more or less). first there was Double Down, which we absolutely had to see after he talked me into watching the side-splittingly-hilarious review of it by the guys from Red Letter Media in one of their "best of the worst" videos (NOTE: this video is not suitable for work, children... or my mother).

it should be noted that Neil Breen movies are the kind of thing that you prepare for watching by making sure that there is some form of alcohol in the house, otherwise, you may not make it past the opening credits. this is the stuff that you watch in the company of people who do not take most things too seriously. you know... people who are capable of a little thing called "fun". so, while my favorite animator is not a drinker (he does not like the taste), he has a finely-honed appreciation for all things that can be roughly defined as "absurdity", which describes every second of these films.

we were still shaking our heads in disbelief that anything could be so bad, so we followed it up a short while later with I Am Here.... Now, which simultaneously made less sense and was more mind-numbingly terrible than the first one. having come that far, we eventually moved on to the next film, Fateful Findings, and this is where the Breen got to be a bit too much for either of us to handle. experience is usually cited as the best teacher of them all, but Neil Breen seems to have learned absolutely nothing by the time he got around to making movie number three. it was so bad, that we tapped out less than a quarter of the way in, and vowed that that was the end of watching anything "Breen".

then, about a week or two ago, we got to talking about his latest (fourth) film, so we decided to give it a shot. not only that, we started joking about all the "breenisms" you have to look for when watching his movies, and we kept coming up with so many of them, that we made a list. yes, there is an actual physical list (and that is his scratchy handwriting, in case you are wondering). the list is even coded. the circles were from Fateful Findings, and the squares were from Pass Thru. we may have to add a couple more symbols and re-watch the first two films with the list.

with that done, we sat down to watch Pass Thru. and, you know what? the Breen was back! it was bad, but like tolerably, watchably, laughably bad. we had to pause frequently to debate whether or not certain scenes fulfilled one (or more) of the criteria from the list. then there were all the times we had to pause just to laugh at how terrible it was. it was that bad good.

so, there we were last night, trying to agree on a movie to watch together, when i made the fatal mistake of suggesting that we owe it to ourselves to go back and watch Fateful findings all the way through. so we did. i poured myself a glass of wine (the first of a few), while he tracked down the list and a pen so that we could keep proper score. we paused, and laughed, and commented until well past three in the morning, before finally going to bed. and that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you find yourself experiencing a night of sleep with Breen in your head. it could have been worse though, as i could have found myself dreaming of a naked Neil Breen.

oh, in case you are curious, i will include the full text of the list down below. however, i would not suggest turning it into a drinking game, or you may need your stomach pumped by the twenty-minute mark of any of his films. sweet breens, everyone.

Neil Breen Checklist

• hacking
• superior being
• techno babble
• broken laptops
• corrupt corporate politicians + bankers
• desert
• room with blinds
• pool
• awkward phone cnversation
• driving
• "up" shots
• awkward sexual assault (*our characterization of his interaction with the female actresses)
• "in case you missed it" character dialogue
• naked breen
• disappearing effect
• pointless plot contrivance 
• naked facedown actress
• childhood love
• found mystical object
• stillness of hands
• stock footage 
• actresses have to be braless 
• downfall of humanity
• denim vest
• feet/shoes walking
• bad acting
• double dialog
• long hold on object
• curing disease/bringing back from the dead 
• bad editing - start too early or stay too long on scene - or out of order
• using alternate takes (*and treating them like "new" scenes)
• skull